so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
