Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
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