i just made my gag reflex go away.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
