His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
