mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
