In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
