Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
