I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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