I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
porn star boner night. come get it.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
