you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
