Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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