My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
