And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
what day is it and did you see me today?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just high enough for therapy.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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