you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Is it penis luge time yet?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
