tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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