I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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