There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
