sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
