Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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