Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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