Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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