i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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