I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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