My hand turned me down
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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