Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I have fence marks all over my body
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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