Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
