No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
