I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
