my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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