Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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