he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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