I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
