Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
