Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
