Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
