I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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