I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize