Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
