I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Randomize
