on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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