I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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