I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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