I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
