My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
