Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize