Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
