I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
