It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
