Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
