I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
