I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
