I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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