Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Plan B is the new Plan A
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
