she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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