chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
