I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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