on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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