I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
