I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
