Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
