Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
