if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
